Warrior

Full disclosure: the beginning of this post may be unappealing to some, but I need some time to process before I get to the good stuff.

The past few weeks have left my head spinning. Like, if my neck had the elasticity my cranium would be doing 808s, which would probably make this whole process of transition a little more entertaining, at the very least. In the midst of all the hubbub of job applications, interview after interview, purchasing regalia for graduation, lying in bed at night stressing about the close of my undergraduate career, languishing in the ambiguity of the future, papers that have yet to be graded, lessons that need planning, and wondering when I’ll see my spouse more than just in passing, I’ve been asking myself one question on loop every day—am I good enough? Am I capable of making it through this final stretch of my internship without imploding? If all of this internal struggle and pain is what it takes for success to come to fruition, do I even want it?

One thing that I don’t share with many people is that I deal with debilitating anxiety. I have a tendency to make mundane tasks seem like the most insurmountable challenges, so when the going really gets tough (like right now) I have loads of fun mucking through what actually needs to be worried about and what can be put on the back burner for later (read: everything is pressing and needs to be done right now, don't listen to rationale, what you’re already doing is rational!). I never use my anxiety as an excuse not to achieve, but it has been a very real, daunting presence looming over me this semester. I’ve spent many days as of late weeping and frozen because my anxiety is so high and I want everything to be so perfect that I don’t even know where to begin. Again, I ask myself am I capable? Will I implode? Do I want this?

YES. The answer is a resounding yes. 

My mentor teacher and I challenged our seniors to write graduation speeches. We prepped them by having them think of speakers and speeches that inspire them and showing clips of different commencement addresses to help them get a feel for it. Part of the process also involved a day where they crafted pieces of writing about an experience they’ve had in an attempt to reach their potential audience without explicitly stating what that experience was. The writing that materialized from this assignment was beautiful, gut-wrenching, awkwardly hilarious, and hopeful. Yesterday and today these wonderful young adults that I’ve had the honor to get to know stood behind the podium at the front of the room. With so much poise, maturity, and bravery, they shared their aspirations, secrets, and fears for the future with their peers and with me. In spite of those worries and fears, almost every one of them was optimistic about overcoming their obstacles and achieving their own measures of success. These young people have persevered through so many impossibilities. They are warriors and face every challenge with the few resources they have. They give me strength. They remind me that there is good in the world and that I help cultivate that good. They remind me that I am a warrior that can face down my own personal struggles in order to move on and become the best version of myself for me and for them. So, am I capable? Yes. Will I implode? No. Do I want this? Yes, yes, a million times yes. I owe education everything for reminding me how mighty I am.